Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
My neighbor still has their Christmas tree in the window when am I supposed to call the police?
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
