Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
