Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.

Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.

[Job interview]

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”

“Anything else?”

“Over-literal sometimes.”

gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste

shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read

It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

[phone rings]

Me: Hello?

My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO

Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.

How did the first person to read learn how to read?

Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.

Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here

[1st date]

HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency

HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)

Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”

HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?

Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit

Saturday

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.