Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera

me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES

People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.

Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.

You’re an open book?

“Throws you into a bonfire.”

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place

They’re the worst 😩

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today

ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend

An amish party in the desert called churning man.

♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫

House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.

⚠️ Important Reminder:

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.