Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.

Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch

Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

friend: our baby was a surprise

me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.

Hunter Biden implies the existence of Gatherer Biden

Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.

My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

Rude much 😂😂😂

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma

Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.

No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention

me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did

guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone

SERVER: you’re a DOG

Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Store: Aluminum I think

Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?

Pet Store: Don’t you dare!

Me: It’s a nickleless cage

Pet Store: GET OUT!

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.