Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”

-fuse box on a power trip.

I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.

In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.

Me: kid, you have no chill

5: I do, I just don’t use it

These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.

At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.

Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.

Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.

3yo: no five more things!

Me: no, one more thing.

3yo: yay one more thing!

Bless their stupid little hearts.

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.

if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries

Cable guy:

Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-

“Honey, you’re wrong.”

Brain: I give up.

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

always be there