WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
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the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Still my favourite meme.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.