Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

Her: I want to travel the world in the new year

Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..

Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”

trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

cat people: dogs are fine

dog people: cats are sent from the devil

Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.

@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”

Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!

Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.

Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!

took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

“This syrup tastes funny…”

-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes

I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers

Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense

Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?

My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes

The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread