Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.

My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”

– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in ufo]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.

[First day as a crime scene photographer]

Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”

The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.

I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?

Me: uh no

WCD: how about moomoo?

Me: can I have something in between?

WCD: no can do

Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.

You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.

-puzzle pieces breaking up

“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”

If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*

Me: You there! What year is it?

Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-

Me: I’m from the future, yes

Tupac: To deliver a message!

Me: No

Tupac:

Me: I’m just going to live here

Tupac:

Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though

Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.

[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.