WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
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Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.
Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this
Sometimes I spell my name (bob) backwards just to see who’s paying attention.