Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full

Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?

In a pewpewpew

the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂

Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

mugger: gimme all your cash

me: lmao my what

computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up

ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit

My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.

Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.

Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.

New baby? Merry Christmas!

Getting married? Merry Christmas!

Birthday? Merry Christmas!

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

good morning

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

[Cannibal Restaurant]

Waiter: Need anything else?

Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?

[Date]

Her: Any hobbies?

Me: Monging mostly.

Her: Huh?

Me: I’m a monger

Her: Huh?

Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.

Family: You never call anymore.

Me: I’m calling now?

Fam: Now’s not a good time.

Me: When should I call?

Fam: Anytime.

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?

Me: Never ask about my art

The name Ella is short for Mozzarella

New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>

One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.