Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

My Kids: Close enough

*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors

“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?

I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”

I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas

Me: *eating turkey*

Cartographer: My work!

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

All generalizations are stupid.

escape room employee: would you like a hint?

me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES

Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

Terribly Tuesday.

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime