Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip

Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

ㅤ

who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.

spicy snake

“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”

-How I pick my Halloween costume

If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.

Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

You are not your own worst enemy.

You have many more enemies.

I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼‍♀️

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

Me: was your son fed?

Wife: yes.

Me: bathed?

Wife: yes.

Me: in bed on time?

Wife: yes.

Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?

Wife: his pajamas.

Me: what about them?

Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.

What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?

One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: that’s a mandolin

My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us

Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok

I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.

Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.