Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
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The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.