Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.

If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News

my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News

Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about

[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out

My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.

When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps

is it just me or are we all a little bit disappointed whenever they lift a tsunami warning

Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.

Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.

“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

*octopus goes in for a palm reading*

Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”

[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”