Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?

Me: yes

Therapist: then maybe-

Me: *looking up from phone* wait no

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD

Me: omg okay

[45 minutes into our walk]

Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM

Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.

Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink