Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…

I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.

HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people

ME: way ahead of you

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

[first day as a detective]

ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!

OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

I want what they have

God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.

[High school reunion]

Person: “I don’t remember you.”

Me: *starts crying*

Person: “Now I remember you.”

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!

She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing

they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience

Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?

Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.

C:

Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.

[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]

Give that cow a vacuum.

Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me