Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.

Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.

Me: I didn’t say he was interested

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy

I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.

Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

[first day as a cashier]

customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper

me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

me adding lol on a serious message

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!

Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.

When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.

Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix

I just noticed a label on the bottom today

It’s a soup bowl

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”

an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?

A catchupino.

#RubbishJokes

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect