Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.

That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*

Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”

*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.

If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.

Me: Babe, I got carded today!

Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.

what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??

This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

won’t smith

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.

Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.

Me: It’s going to be a great day!

Life: Yeah, about that…

And bowling should be called pinball

A chilling warning for the old people in my village.

still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?

Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.

thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box

Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb