Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!

AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.

Cher: Do you believe in life after love?

Me: *checks dictionary*

No.

Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never

me: push!

wife: [in labor] I AM

me: push harder!!

wife: I CAN’T

me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull

Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.

Everyone else at speed dating:

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.

Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

Cardio Made Easy

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.

When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.

*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME

Me: Now do you believe me?

Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.

Me: Then who made all that ice?

Wife: *walks away*

Me: WHO?!

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here

me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*

my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant

me: *eye twitch intensifies*

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.