Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea

Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.

[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry

my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?

Me: As many free office supplies as possible.

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died

BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year

ME: yeah she’s a cat

Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.

8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?

Me: Why, yes we are!

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

Never mess with a sculptor, they have a ready made place to hide your body

Just another unrealistic body expectation for women

Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk