Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome

Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.

Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.

Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.

People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*

[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?

schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!

Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!

Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.

Mormon cats have 9 wives.

Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.

Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity

Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house

The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.

Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.

Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.

It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.

Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

He is ready

#meowed #TheMeowedClub

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check

Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?