Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I don’t know when to quit.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Me: I quit.

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

WWE is French for “yes”

I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!

*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.

Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.

If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

Choose your fighter

Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick

Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

Encore…