Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌

Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.

Bon appetit!

[fire raging in my bedroom]

smoke alarm:

[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]

smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE

I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

If at first you don’t succeed, try try again

“Sir we test parachutes here, don’t say that to people”

Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.

We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.

New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT

had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead

Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm

Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

Not😆🤣

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

it’s either covid or clever vampires

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.