Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed

My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help

Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle

When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”

I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.

“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”

[tries to date pizza]

[gets friend calzoned]

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

“losing/taking virginity”

– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?

“sexual debut”

– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.

Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.