Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

Baller is short for ballerina

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?

“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.

Pray for me.

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?

Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…

War & Peace

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

Every single bad day happened because I woke up

I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.