Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.

A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program

ME: I’ll do it

FBI: Your wife and kids too

ME: Never mind

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

My loaf of bread looks terrified

My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.

He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.

Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.

Her: What are you doing this weekend?

Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda