Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

Maybe I’m the problem..

Nvm that don’t even sound right

A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

just got my engagement photos

Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?

My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.

me: woah real life russian dolls

midwife: get out

I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.

“No, my money is in it.”

“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”

“In case I need to make a bet”

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri

That stupid look on my face, is my face

Romeo: I lost my cow

Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?

“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]

“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.