Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
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the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.