Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
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I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
The internet is magic sometimes.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
oh she’s cooked
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
thank god the sign was there
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.