Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
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Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.[9 Moscow Mules later]
Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
he looks great for his age
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
Found my door mat
