Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
![]()
You Might Also Like
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.