Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
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My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT