Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
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App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
A refund is not enough, I need to be able to block restaurants on DoorDash.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
He probably could have just called himself “Andre.” I think I would have figured out The Giant part on my own.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
