wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
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First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
This is a sub tweet
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
