Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.

same energy

Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.

I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock

I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right

*purges outlook inbox

weigh me now

Left at a local drug store…

If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

me: wow the stars are beautiful

gf: omg babe they really are

me: u know who else is beautiful?

gf: *blushes* who? :3

me: Harambe

My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!

It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.

~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter

Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*