Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”

Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.

Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.

Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”

Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”

had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

Just in case to be clear #gbbo

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary

Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first