Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.

#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

Parenting through the years:

1st kid: Organic food only

2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”

3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.

My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.

So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!

Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.

Me:

You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.

Medical form: Height?

Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.

Medical form: Sex?

Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

Eat…

Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”

Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go

According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to

Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?

Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.

Dora: *stares blankly*

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me: *nervous sweating*

Dora: that was my favorite part too!

Me: Oh thank god

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge