Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.

I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.

modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”

Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.

Seems legit.

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved

Producer: That sounds beautiful

Guy: The new kid is also a rat

KID: Where’s grandma?

DAD: She’s in a better place now

KID: Canada?

*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”

I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months

Them: Can you recommend a show for me?

Me: Captain Caveman?

Them: Maybe something more for adults?

Me:

Them: Sorry.

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”

…I am not a catfish.

Why am I like this?

Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR

if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid

Every single bad day happened because I woke up

stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass

Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it

Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat