Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my astrological sign is a french fry

Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

Ad placement of the day

#ooh

Me: Our neighbor is such a perv

Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?

Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep

the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do

*girl uploads photo*

her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.

Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”

Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

her: I love guys who know what they want

me: I want $100,000

her: but stay humble

me: I’ll never have $100,000

Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?

Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.

Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?

My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity

Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house

When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.

*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*

Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.

i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes

*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages

How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee

Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation

Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.

#milo

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.