Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.

me: I think my hippo might be dying

vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse

me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO

I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.

Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

[brain surgery]

SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork

ASSISTANT:

SURGEON: …over that scalpel

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.

How does someone manage that 🤨

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”

“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“No problem, Alan.”

[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.

Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

[boiling pot]

Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!

So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:

6lb11oz!

Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.

When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host

[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]

“They said no I couldn’t have any money”

Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies

3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.