Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah

When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*

8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…