Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
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My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.