Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
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Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.