Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
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Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.