Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!

Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…

Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack

Me: It’s cold out there today!

12: How cold?

Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright

12: *sighs*

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.

I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty

The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off

We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up

“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.

I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?

I hate my earbuds.

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

Me: I’m feeling my age today.

Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.

Me: Your sister is my favorite.

My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.

My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.

School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”

I am embarrassed for myself.

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy