Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
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My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense