Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
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ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house