WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
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My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
ready to be harvested
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.