Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence

I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it

4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?

Me: You don’t either!

4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.

her: i love croissants

me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too

which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”

Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype

A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]

Guy1: What should we call it?

Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?

Guy1: Nah..

Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?

Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.