Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.

channeling her this year

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

“you are what you eat”

i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok

Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics

8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*

Being an adult is stupid.

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house

me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮

Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma

Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”

Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”