Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
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Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully