WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
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GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.