Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

per my last wtf

RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.

Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped

Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…

this is me

3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤

I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?

Therapist: let go of my collar

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you

Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

If Mona Lisa was on Instagram

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school