Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan

It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

Friend: How’s the new job?

Me: Can’t complain

Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?

Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

[christmas break with my extended family]

*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

Not yet
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

[heaven’s IT department]

Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?

God: Yes, why?

Too many open windows

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.

Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions

Hell yeah 👍

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.

Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

idk flipping houses looks really hard

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.