Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!

Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

me: what do you want from me

wife: a divorce

me: i meant for christmas

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.

*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes

˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı

Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

Me: *walks into room*

My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.

Me: *walks back out of room*

This will never not be funny 😭

A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.

Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.

Oh yeah that’s it

It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.

The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

[date]

Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea

Me: ooo I love diarrhea

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.

I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.