Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt

[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts

Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.

My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look*

*hours later*
Me: oh SHIT

me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: i get everyone fired

ex professor: what wait no

As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.

I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg

My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.

Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom

The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.

Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!

Passenger:

Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.

I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.

~Late night couch potato dilemma