Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]

Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one

Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭

Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.

FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.

ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.

Me: this would be better without the raisins in it

Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins

Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.

The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.

Life hack:

Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.

I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]

Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

News: Hillary won the debate!

My friends: Bernie won the debate!

Trump: I won the debate!

Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!

My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.

Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*

Satan:

Me:

Satan: Give it back…

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”

ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

when your pet decides to sleep on your bed

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”