Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?

Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.

Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*

who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.

Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.

In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers

If only

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.

I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.

one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see