Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
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[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever