Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
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Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Not😆🤣
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.