Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?

For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18

Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*

Lord: oh manservant

Me: yes, my lord?

Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?

Me: yes, my lord

Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot

🐟✨ #re4

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.

Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams

*married driving*

Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’

Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.

Him: What happens if they get overheated?

Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-

Him: *whispers* hot mess.

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔

Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.

Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!

Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.

A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.

wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late

how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”