Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist

Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox

Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….

Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

you will never know the true number of layers

“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.

Still not sure why you would need this though.

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.

Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry

I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.

When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.