Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

👀

*Hears sound in the middle of the night*

Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.

Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.

Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*

My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

Happy Star Wars day!

A McRib killed my tapeworm.

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.

Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.