Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.

We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”

Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?

16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?

Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there

My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”

Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult

mom: you’re grounded for today

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[10 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.

I just made the PERFECT phone call!

My parents didn’t answer.

[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.

Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.

If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.

Mensa should be calling any day now.

Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…

We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.

Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows