Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”

My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

Friend: So, how did you two meet?

Husband: In a bar.

Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…

British people this week:

“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]

If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name

Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”

“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever

(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?

Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.

Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”

Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap

Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!

Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty

people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper

Doc I keep throwing up

Did u eat anything odd lately

No

What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”

You said eat, idiot