WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
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7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Fight
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.