Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*

PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN

*fade to black*

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.

You’re like a gym membership.

You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!

Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like

Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.

“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”

~ Tom Hiddleston

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*

Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?

*glances up from GameBoy*

SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?

When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’

Why does laundry happen to good people?

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.

The evening news…

Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.