Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.

Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is

Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?

Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.

First I was a pebble..

My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit

Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?

Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.

I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!

Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream

I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.

I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.