Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.

Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.

Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.

MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.

Who knew.

I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.

“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook

dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!

It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.

[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]