wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
You Might Also Like
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
October already? What’s next? November????
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients