Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the office]

Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.

Me: When did it arrive?

Secretary: 1983.

Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

DR: your IQ test results are abysmal

ME: is… is that good?

I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.

I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur

The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.

every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.

My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”

Me as a therapist: omg same

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability

Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.

Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?

Me: finding the will to get up

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

The internet is magic sometimes.

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……

E – I – E – I – O…..