wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
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[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer