wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
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Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !