wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
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You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.