wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
You Might Also Like
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away