Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate

“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

Get lost in the experience, not the park.

People just like to argue.

People: No we don’t

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole

Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:

Commit Fraud

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now

*holding 7 steak knives*

DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: I was raised in a working-class family…

Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.