Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
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I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
This took me a second..
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.