Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
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Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call