Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox

You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.

We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.

We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!

Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?

Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable

Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?

Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.

[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to

A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.

It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”

[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager

My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I’m 40.

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?