Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
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HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs