Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30

[restaurant]

ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.

Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder

Me: Can I use it for my socials?

Mugshot Photographer: No.

My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family

I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.

Bill is short for Billiam

The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”

*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*

Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

I’m single and proud of it!

* Flips hair
* Trips over cat

a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”

Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…

It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”

That’s not what I –

“Please stop. Let me do this.”

When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.

did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack