WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
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At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”