@AbrasiveGhost

WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis

“Why, did he buy a new car?”

WIFE: not yet

[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]

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@stuartfiddle

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

@BunAndLeggings

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

@OfficeofSteve

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

@angryhobgoblin

You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit

@WheelTod

[First Date]

Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”

*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor

@TeeJayRush

It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…

@WhaJoTalkinBout

if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts

@JJSummertime

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.