WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis

“Why, did he buy a new car?”

WIFE: not yet

[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]

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math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am


My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.


Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth


You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit


[First Date]

Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”

*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor


It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…


if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts


I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.