WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
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Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.