Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
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Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
i hate you platonically
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
🤣
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
welcome mats are just gateway rugs