Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife & son backing out in the car,

4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]

4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”

If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.

THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*

I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.

*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”

-Jesus

The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off

Me: please tell me my future, madame

Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’

Me: awesome

Palm reader: in sharpie

Me: yeah

Palm reader: you’re going to die alone

It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it

i guess his teacher was really pissed

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.

god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up

Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”

“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

Enter new password

“336Hours”

Your password is two weeks