Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
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It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Passwords are more important than ever.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.