Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
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Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Everyone’s family
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”